my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
