You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
