I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
