you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
