There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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