Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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