My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
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