So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
