omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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