i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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