You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize