Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
