New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize