You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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