just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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