just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
