Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
