We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
