Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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