Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
