Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I want her autograph on my taint
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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