glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I use my feet as sexual weapons
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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