I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
