My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
