im six kinds of drunk right now
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
