A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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