He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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