you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
