im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
