Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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