I don't usually arrange sex via text message
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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