My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
