Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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