Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
