hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
