i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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