i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
