I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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