John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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