Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
