So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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