Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
