I'm so fucking centered right now
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
