I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
