I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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