You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize