she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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