I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
