Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Your cock deserves a montage
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize