the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
