My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
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