Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
