life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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