No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Just invented taco cereal.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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