I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
You can't motorboat a personality
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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