just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
