you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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